The Door of Fear

Within a year of starting my journey in Systema, I got the opportunity to go to Russia and train at Systema Ryabko Headquarters.

I was involved in a movie project that lasted a Summer in the Motherland, and amazingly, Systema was a part of the filming process.

My days were split between training intensely with Daniil Ryabko and company, and then going back to the house and either practicing drums with the band or performing a rock show in one of the venues in town.

Training with Daniil was intense. It was also quite new every day. Even though there was some repetition as to what we did, the level to which we would go was always a surprise.

In Moscow, we trained mostly at Headquarters, sometimes upwards of 4 hours at a time.

My first day was about 4 hours of intense training, followed by an impromptu Systema Massage by Andrey Domovsky, which was another heavy contribution to the life-changing nature of my Systema journey.

Pictured: Me weeping for 30 minutes straight after the massage.

Right off the bat, my experiences in training with Daniil Ryabko largely hinged on the topic of fear, although I hadn't become aware of that as such until the second month of my training, which at that point was in Saint Petersburg.

In Saint Petersburg, we almost always trained in nature or in the city.

My company lived in a small village on the outskirts of the city. Much of its old parts were still standing, but a lot of the area seemed to me what 50s America would have felt like with all the undeveloped but ground-broken neighborhoods of family houses and cul de sacs that would come to be.

If we weren't meeting in the heart of the city for training, we would walk from the small village house and make our way into the nooks and crannies of that neighborhood, even going as far as the surrounding forest and lake accompanying it on the edge for refreshment and survival training.

Often Daniil would find me a tree or some tall monkey bars or a high fence line upon which I was promptly instructed to mount, then walk, then even fight him, with the obvious risk of falling to my perilous...well, that wasn't a concern.

I'm not a natural when it comes to standing on a high perch with no railings. I wouldn't say I'm scared of heights. I'd say I'm more excited by them, but there's some deep quivering in my body.

Yeah, it's fear.

It's fear that's present. It's fear that's called out by the circumstance, by what's happening now, by the meeting place of me and the thin, high structure upon which I stand.

I had a couple friends in Russia who hopped right up on these things, climbing across them like they were still children (they were, in a way), enjoying the play and the adventure of the moment. Beautiful!

Not me. I was shakin' in my britches.

I had fear in my tissues, and Daniil somehow sensed that, and knew exactly what to do.

"Work out thy salvation with fear and trembling." -Philippians 2:12

Every day, he'd instruct me to get up, regardless of my grumbling (I grumbled), and walk that line.

There was one most-unforgettable moment of this.

It wasn't a particularly high set of monkey bars. My fear was just very much on the surface. He told me to get up. I tried. I couldn't stand up. My legs were quivering. I was feeling defeated. "Why am I here? What's the purpose? I suck. I can't even stand up on these low monkey bars. Ugh..."

Daniil promptly gets up on the other side, standing up on the bars like it was no problem (it was no problem).

He says "Dan, you have to stand up. Believe! Come on, Dan. Come on, believe."

Suddenly, there was some new energy in me. I stood up. I looked at him face-to-face, and I understood in that moment the story of Jesus calling Peter to stand up from drowning in the sea of Galilee.

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” -Matthew 14:28-33

"But when he saw the wind, he was afraid..."

When I looked in his eyes, there was peace. He had a smile. It made me happy.

I'll never forget.

We never talked about it. He knew. I knew. It's all that mattered.

But fear was needed to confront. And the going through it was needed in order to be standing in the simplicity and power of freedom.

I had a choice. I have a choice. You have a choice.

Some of us are afraid to die. And it might not be the dying part that we're afraid of. We might be afraid of what that means. We might just be afraid.

We picked up the fear somewhere, stuffed it in our tissues, and carried on. Maybe because we had to. Maybe because we would rather have the fear than the consequences of the unknown. Who knows. But we have the fear inside.

I found that eliciting the fear in us, working with it, letting it go, and being free of its grip, is essential when it comes to our work in Systema.

Essential.

If we're not coming in touch with our fear, what are we doing?

It doesn't mean we need to scare our own pants off every time we train, but why are we training if we're not pushing up against our perceived limitations?

Turns out fear is a door, and we can enter it one of two ways.

The first way is to enter into its convincing story.

"Yeah, you're right. You can't. You suck. You're not good enough. You shouldn't even try. What's the point? You should turn back now. There's only danger ahead. Nothing else."

The other way is to see what it wants to keep you from, stand up in faith, and walk through the door.

Because fear is an opportunity.

It's an opportunity for something new. To not stay in the prison we've knowingly or unknowingly been trapped in for however long. Eliciting the fear says to yourself "This is not a wall. This is a door, and I am opening it to walk through."

Sometimes we get to the door, touch it, get terrified, and turn back the other way, with vague plans to return to the door again in the future.

Why is fear a door?

Because there's something beyond it, and it can be opened up enough so that we can walk through.

The fear is not original to us. It got there somehow.

We'd rather be comfortable than face our fears and walk through even with some scratches and bruises.

But we all know the glory, peace and power that comes about by the conquering of our own fear. If we don't know, we feel and hear the echo of its reality on the other side of that fear.

We have fears so entrained into our bodies and psyches and souls that the thought of abandoning it altogether and moving forward in our lives feels to us like we're abandoning our very selves. But this couldn't be further from the truth.

In fact, we reclaim our true selves the moment we open the door of fear and step through with faith to the other side.

In Systema, when you're in a pushup for minutes on end, and things start to close in, the fear comes up, the doubt, the thousands of chattering thoughts in your head, the feelings, perceptions bathed in intensity, etc., that right there is the opportunity. There lies the door.

Sure, you can gain some insight and physical adjustment from just breathing enough to survive until the instructor calls you to the next thing, but if you knew what was on the other side of that fear, pain, tension, doubt and the like, would you be so committed to simply bearing the moment until it's over? Or would you breathe and relax your way through that door into a renewed you, into a renewed reality?

That's where the real gold is in Systema. It's not in the playing with the fear, playing with the intensity, playing with the cool stuff we learn. It's about walking through that door we're scared to walk through because it requires us to relinquish the tightly-bound fear structure we've been carrying all this time.

Yeah?

It's not that we want to wade in the fear. That's not constructive. Equally unhelpful is the thinking about it too much.

This is a living reality. If you're walking in fear, you're literally bringing it with you as you breathe. If you walk through the fear, beyond the fear, shedding it as you go, you're walking along as an ever-renewing human being, offering something different to the world as you go.

It's important to do the work. You don't have to go searching for the fear. That's not really the point either (I mean, you can if you're into that sort of thing). The fear will happen. It'll come up. Especially when you're doing the right things. The proper movements, the correct breathing, and using relaxation. Especially when incorporating all these things, the fear will come to the surface. Because you're not doing the things that keep it down anymore. You're doing the things that are good for you, the right things, and so the fear finally has a chance to come up, and maybe even be released from your soul.

There's this beautiful and deeply peaceful Orthodox Monastery I often visit in New Mexico, and during one of my recent stays we were all outside clearing their Acequia (a narrow, often man-made waterway). I was having a long conversation with one of the monks about Systema (he was curious about it). I told him about some of my experience, most notably with Mikhail Ryabko, and he told me something that I had never thought about...

He said "You know, it has been told to us that the body is made in the image of the soul (not the other way around)." Wow. That one got me.

Then he said "So it seems to me that, when you work with these men, they are actually inviting you into this inner reality of the soul, not just the physical."

It's mostly unspoken, but I'm confident that many of the Systema practitioners who have been around for a while would also reveal that the work we are doing in Systema is ultimately (and most importantly) soul work.

When we are eliciting the fears in us, we are calling our soul to let go of something deep inside. Something that can reveal more of our very souls, and the freedom therein.

Pictured: Jacob wrestling with the Anthropos.

When we inhale, we invite something new in, something fresh. When we exhale, we offer faith back to the One who gives us breath, trusting...

We have a choice. We can live in the fear, and let the fear be what we breathe, speak, think and share.

Or...

We can welcome the fear.

"I know you, and I know what you're for. Thank you for coming, thank you for showing me the door. I will breathe, stand up, and enter through, letting you go."

We can step through. We can breathe through. We can pray through.

Open the door. Have faith.

Thank you for reading.

Blessings to you and yours,

Daniel

Pictured: Daniel standing with Vladimir Vasiliev and Mikhail Ryabko at the Masters seminar in Moscow, 2018.